I loved a woman, long ago—
Loved her to the point of madness,
But I never told her so.
Then she moved away—O sadness!
.
Years went by before attraction
Ever came my way again.
Then, a crush — I took no action —
She moved on to other men.
.
Still inside my heart resided
High school bestie; college flame.
I felt guilty. Uninvited,
Took them hostage, just the same.
.
Longer, this time, I persisted
Loved them both without a change
Mental romance I resisted,
Often thinking I was strange.
.
Some years later, I was smitten
Fell for Miss B. Almost dated;
Wanted to, but felt forbidden—
Once more, silent and self-hated….
.
There they stay. They’ll stay forever
Even though no longer single.
Felt ashamed because I never
Told my dear how my loves mingle.
.
Last year, terrible depression
Dragged me down — I knew not why.
Flailing madly — Indiscretion —
Found all three — I still was shy…
.
Impulsive, though, at last I told them —
Past tense version—one by one.
How, back then, I longed to hold them.
Judgment error. Friendships—done.
.
Love continues, though, unaltered.
Past-tense version hid the truth:
Still in love, although I’ve faltered.
Twenty years on, long in tooth.
.
Ah! Regretful! Had their friendship
Still, but killed it —killed it dead!
Too impulsive. Feel so stupid.
What is wrong with me? I said.
.
Now I know—new friends explained it.
Polyamorous am I.
Without effort, I attained it.
Blame is lessened; still, I cry.
.
Every day I feel I’m cheating,
Untrue — to which one? Wish I knew.
Self-rejection is receding;
Now, to ALL of them I’m true.
—-
How do I turn off this love? I don’t know.
How do I turn off this guilt? I don’t know.
Always to loving in vain will I go;
Carry my love to the grave; this I know.
.
Loving is good, only when it’s returned.
Love that’s one-sided will leave your heart burned.
Loving’s my nature; it’s just who I am.
Lucky for THEM that they don’t give a damn.
.
April 15, 2011 (makeup poem for April 12th)
This is my true story, with only minor ‘poetic license’ taken.
I mean no hurt to anyone, and I’m aware that some few DO give a damn and still are friends with me. I love some specific people that I didn’t know back then, and love them will all my heart, if you’ll forgive me the expression.
With genuine love.
NN, ND, JB;
gs; jn; sc
Cleopatrick
